Draft 1

ACT I
SCENE 1
INT. BACKSTAGE - DAY
Actors and techies run around crazily. The cast is rehearsing a bizarre dance sequence. PARKER, the stage manager rushes around commandingly followed by ASSISTANT. ADDISON is yelling lines from some scene while STEVEN seems to be wallowing on the ground in some kind agony. Cue Music: With Catlike Tread, Pirates of Penzance.
CAST
WE’RE ALMOST DEAD
WE’VE BEEN AT THIS FOR WEEKS
OUR FEET ARE LEAD
WE ALL HAVE SORE BUTT CHEEKS
THE SHOW’S TONIGHT
WE ALL MUST GIVE A CHEER
BUT THE STAGE LIGHTS
STILL INSPIRE FEAR
TECH CREW
THIS CAST IS NUTS, THEY’RE REALLY NUTS
GIRALTO, the conductor, walks briskly across the stage.
GIRALTO
PLEASE RUN SOME SCALES TO WARM VOICE
AND NO YOU DO NOT GET A CHOICE
CAST
IT’S ALL THAT WE LIVE FOR
FEEL THE MUSIC RISING
VERY ENERGIZING
TONIGHT WE’LL GIVE A ROAR
THEN WE’LL CHARGE THAT BRIGHT STAGE FLOOR
ADDISON
BUT, FRIENDS, MY HEART’S HEAVY
I DATED A CO-STAR
BUT IT DIDN’T GO FAR
SHE WAS NAUGHT BUT A LEECH
BUT THE PERSON DUMPED WAS ME
STEVEN
HERE’S YOUR PROBLEM
I’VE MADE SENSE OF IT
YOUR LIFE AND CHARACTER
THEY MUST MAKE A SPLIT
ACTING’S SERIOUS
TAKE A TIP FROM ME
BE YOUR ROLE
MINE JUST ENGULFS ME
TECH CREW
THIS CAST IS NUTS
CAST
THE SHOW’S TONIGHT
TECH CREW
THEY’RE REALLY NUTS
CAST
WE FEEL STAGE FRIGHT
ASSISTANT
RUN HALF THE SHOW
THE TECH IS ALL ON US
A NOBLE GOAL
OUR LEADER IS A PLUS
(indicates Parker)
WE’RE ON THE BALL
NO THING CAN E’ER GO WRONG
THE CAST CAN ALL
FORGET ALL BUT THEIR SONGS


TECH CREW
WELL LET’S SET UP THE SCENE
FIRST ILLUMINATION
PROP MEN MAN YOUR STATION
NOW FOR EFFECTS UNSEEN
SOUND OF COURSE IS WHAT WE MEAN
CAST
WE’RE ALMOST DEAD
WE’VE BEEN AT THIS FOR WEEKS
OUR FEET ARE LEAD
WE ALL HAVE SORE BUTT CHEEKS
The cast marches off stage left. The tech crew continues to mill about and arrange things.
PARKER
Alright... Keith.
Keith, the lighting director, runs across the stage and stands at a salute.
KEITH
My captain?
PARKER
Where are we?
KEITH
All lights are accounted for, bulbs changed, wires set, dimmers tested.
PARKER
Good. Ian?
IAN, the sound director, casually strolls halfway to Parker and Assistant.
IAN
Yo!
PARKER
Set?
IAN
Yeah. Every speaker is working. Effects are cued. Volume's ready and fresh batteries in all wirelesses.
ASSISTANT
And...?
IAN
And, and, and... right. That replacement overhead mic arrived yesterday and we hung it this morning. Volume adjusted accordingly.
PARKER
Good. And... (sigh) Barrett?
BARRETT, the props manager, steps out of the shadows, looking very seedy, and growls in response.
PARKER (CONT’D)
Is umm... is everything ready.
BARRETT
All pieces are set. Ready for our full assault. We can only hope that Charlie doesn't see us coming. If he doesn't,it'll be smooth sailing, but the setting can always work against us.
PARKER
So... props are ready and the set features set?
BARRETT
Better than set.
PARKER
Alright... Thanks, Barrett. Let me know when we turn on the dinosaur will you?
BARRETT
Sure.
Barrett disappears into the shadows.
ASSISTANT
He creeps me out, sir.
PARKER
Me too. Toni will be here any minute. Am I forgetting anything?
Assistant checks clipboard.
ASSISTANT
Uhh... No. We're good.
PARKER
Swell.
(Pause)
Coffee?
ASSISTANT
Excellent suggestion, sir.
SCENE 2 INT. BACKSTAGE
Parker and Assistant walk-off stage left. Stage is empty except for Keith who is still at attention. Toni enters, very excited. She wanders around the stage taking everything in. Cue music: Oh What A Beautiful Mornin', Oklahoma.
TONI
WITH THE HELP OF ALLUNA I SLEPT WELL
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWELVE WEEKS I SLEPT WELL
MY CORNFLAKES WERE DRY BUT THAT’S NO CAUSE TO CRY
AND THE SHOW’S PRETTY GOOD FOR MY VERY FIRST TRY
I’M FEELING GOOD ABOUT OP’NING
I’M FEELING GOOD FOR THE PLAY
FEEL I COULD CONQUER THE WHOLE WORLD
EVERYTHING’S GOING MY WAY
Three ushers enter, arms crossed, feet tapping. Keith is still at attention.
TONI (CONT’D)
I’M FEELING GOOD ABOUT OP’NING
I’M FEELING GOOD FOR THE PLAY
FEEL I COULD CONQUER THE WHOLE WORLD
EVERYTHING’S GOING MY--
CLARENCE
We need to talk.
TONI
(sigh) What is it, Clarence?
CLARENCE
We feel our grievance has gone unheard for too long, ma'am.
(lackey Ushers nod in agreement)
We refuse to be treated like pre-war Cylons.
TONI
I don't know what that means.
CLARENCE
(ignores response)
And we too feel force is necessary for us to be treated as equals. You shall not remain over us any longer for we are now a cooperative much like the Borg.
TONI
Again, drawing a blank.
CLARENCE
(ignores again)
Unless our demands are met, we, the usher collective...
USHER
I came up with that.
CLARENCE
Shall go on strike.
TONI
Strike?
CLARENCE
Yes, ma'am. Strike. Your patrons may find their own seats.
TONI
Are you serious?
CLARENCE
As serious as a Vulcan, ma'am.
TONI
Yeah... still... nevermind. What are your demands?
CLARENCE
We want more comp tickets.
TONI
Why, if you don't mind my asking do you need more than fifteen?
CLARENCE
For dates obviously.
Toni tries not to laugh at the ridiculousness of this suggestion.
TONI
Okay. Well, I (ahem) understand your dilemma, and I would love to help but I am not in the position to do so. You need to talk to the theater owner.
CLARENCE
We figured as much. We also figured, what with your connection to the owner that perhaps you could talk to him for us.
TONI
Yes. Sadly, my "connection" doesn't give me much pull with the owner.
CLARENCE
Well, I suggest you try.
(snaps fingers to signal ushers to leave)
If our demands aren't met by showtime, people will be finding their own seats willy nilly and anarchy will ensue, much like after Dooku incited the separatists.
The ushers all exit.
TONI
That was weird. Well, if that's all that goes wrong today, we should be fine.
SCENE 3 INT. BACKSTAGE
TONI
Parker! Parker!
Parker and Assistant enter. Assistant's shirt is stained with coffee.
TONI (CONT’D)
Alright. Lights?
PARKER
Check.
TONI
Sound?
PARKER
Check.
TONI
Props?
PARKER
Check.
TONI
Set?
PARKER
Check
TONI
Cast?
PARKER
Warming up. Well except Mademoiselle Morve. And the new kid. Claire.
TONI
Hmm. Not like her to be late.
ASSISTANT
She called in, sir. Her bus had a hold up. Something about a wig and a bag full of potatoes.
TONI
Well. When she arrives, thank her for calling and be sure she goes straight to the warm-up.
PARKER
Will do.
Toni exits.
PARKER (CONT’D)
(to assistant)
Be sure and do that. What the...
(finally notices Keith)
Keith.
KEITH
Sir?
PARKER
As you were.
Keith heaves a relieved sigh and exits. Parker exits after Toni. Cue Music: Just Can't Wait To Be King, Lion King. Claire enters and powerslides.
CLAIRE
I’M GONNA BE A FAMOUS LEAD
AND KNOWN FROM HERE TO THERE
ASSISTANT
GET YOUR TAIL ONTO THE STAGE
THE CAST’S ALREADY THERE
CLAIRE
I’M GONNA HAVE MY NAME IN LIGHTS
MY DOOR WILL HAVE A STAR
I’LL HAVE MORE CASH THAN I CAN SPEND
I’LL BATHE IN CAVIAR
ASSISTANT
COME ON UNDERSTUDY YOU MUST GET READY TO SING
CLAIRE
OH I JUST CAN’T WAIT TO BE LEAD
I THINK THAT I’LL PLAY COSETTE
ASSISTANT
YES THAT’S NICE BUT...
CLAIRE
AND MAYBE EVEN CHRISTINE
ASSISTANT
OKAY, TO THE STAGE.
CLAIRE
AND THEN I’LL PLAY VIOLA
ASSISTANT
TIME FOR WARM-UPS.
CLAIRE
AND THEN I’LL MAKE A MOVIE
ASSISTANT
GAA!!!!!
CLAIRE
I WILL GET TO CHOOSE MY ROLES
ASSISTANT
Not with this attitude.
CLAIRE
ALL MY JEWELS WILL BE WHITE GOLD!
ASSISTANT
ALRIGHT LET’S GO IT’S FOR THE SHOW
WE’VE GOT SOME WORK TO DO
CLAIRE
I KNOW THAT I’LL DATE
A COVER MODEL FROM GQ
ASSISTANT
ALRIGHT IF YOU’RE QUITE DONE DREAMING PLEASE
GO WARM UP
IF THIS EV’NING YOUR VOICE SCRATCHES
I WILL NOT BE TORN UP
THAT WILL MAKE IT QUITE HARD TO SUCCEED
CLAIRE
OH I JUST CAN’T WAIT TO BE LEAD
I WILL HAVE TO LOOK OUT
AND INSIDE TREES
THE BLINDING FLASH OF
PAPARAZZIS
ASSISTANT
RAZZI!!!
CAST
(off stage)
WHETHER WE’RE A LEAD ROLE OR WE’RE NOT
WE’RE GONNA GIVE IT ALL THAT WE HAVE GOT
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT COULD BE YOUR BIG SHOT
CLAIRE
OH I JUST CAN’T WAIT TO BE LEAD
OH I JUST CAN’T WAIT TO BE LEAD
OH I JUST CAN’T WAIT TO BE LEAD
Assistant, after chasing Claire for the entire song, has to sit down. Parker enters.
PARKER
(to Assistant)
I told you to send her to warm up.
(to Claire)
Claire, go warm up with the rest of the cast, please.
CLAIRE
Yes, sir.
Claire exits, leaving a disbelieving Assistant alone with Parker.
SCENE 4 INT. BACKSTAGE
PARKER
Time?
ASSISTANT
10:58.
(double take)
10:58!
Parker and Assistant appear, not frightened, but unnaturally hurried. Assistant runs off-stage and quickly returns with pink clipboard. She pulls out a whistle and blows it hard. Three Techies arrive.
PARKER
Alright, men, and Heather, this is for real.
Parker extends his arm and Assistant hands him the clipboard.
PARKER (CONT’D)
Dressing room?
ED
Seventy-six degrees, sir.
PARKER
Mineral water from North Dakota?
LOU
Eight bottles, sir.
PARKER
Blackberries?
HEATHER
Two and a half pounds, sir.
PARKER
Ginger ale?
ED
One bowl full of German spring, sir.
PARKER
Gummi Bears?
LOU
Five cups of only clear bears floating in the ginger ale, sir.
PARKER
Music?
HEATHER
Beastie Boys, License to Ill at volume level 15, sir.
Parker drops the clipboard and approaches Heather. Assistant picks it up follows closely.
PARKER
Fifteen? Techie, do you think this is some kind of game?
HEATHER
No, sir.
PARKER
Well it doesn't seem real to you. Mistakes like that don't fly in this world.
HEATHER
Yes, sir.
PARKER
I expect better of you, Heather. This is a rookie mistake. Now go and turn that down to 14 before--
HELENA bursts through the door. Cue music: Food, Glorious Food, Oliver!. Heather runs off to complete her task.
HELENA
IT’S ME, GLORIOUS ME
STARS DIM IN MY PRESENCE
I KNOW YOU CAN SEE
LIGHT SHINES WITH MY ESSENCE
SAPS ASK FOR MY AUTOGRAPH
I ALWAYS OBLIGE THEM
SNEAKS WILL SNAP A PHOTOGRAPH
IT WILL COST THEM
ME, GLORIOUS ME
I GET AND DESERVE ALL
THREE SERVANT LACKEYS
Helena's lackey's enter.
HELENA (CONT’D)
ATTEND EV’RY BECK AND CALL
I COULD DO IT ALL MYSELF
BUT DON’T HAVE TO YOU SEE
IT’S ME, WONDERFUL ME
MARVELOUS ME
GLORIOUS ME
LACKEYS
HER, GLORIOUS HER
HER FACE CAUSES A RIOT
SHE LOOKS LIKE A QUEEN
HELENA
BUT DON’T EVEN DIET
LACKEYS
NOT A SINGLE TRACE OF FAT
SHE’S JUST SO APPEALING
WHENEVER SHE LEAVES HER FLAT
SHE'S SIDE, GLANCE STEALING
HER, GLORIOUS HER
VOICE LILTING AND SING SONG
NOTES NEVER GO WRONG
A BRIEF PAUSE IS JUST TOO LONG
HELENA
WHEN I USE MY AMAZING VOICE
BIRDS START TO ENVY
IT’S ME
ELEGANT ME
SUMPTUOUS ME
TRANSCENDENT ME
FABULOUS ME
BEAUTIFUL ME PENITENT ME!
(to Parker)
Donald!
PARKER
Parker.
HELENA
That's what I said. Is my room in order, Donald.
Parker looks and sees an inexplicably harried Heather enter and give a thumbs up.
PARKER
Yes, Ms Morve.
HELENA
Excellent. I shall need complete privacy whilst I prepare.
PARKER
Of course, Ms Morve.
HELENA
See to it that no one disturbs me.
PARKER
As you wish, Ms Morve.
HELENA
Now go and fetch Giralto for me.
PARKER
At once, Ms Morve.
Parker gestures and Ed runs off to fetch the conductor. The second he's gone, Helena begins tapping her foot. He returns quickly, Giralto in tow.
HELENA
Well it took you long enough.
GIRALTO
Apologies. I was...
HELENA
I must get my crystal voice ready for tonight.
GIRALTO
Of course. We'll start with A.
Helena sings a loud note.
GIRALTO (CONT’D)
A tad higher.
HELENA
What!
GIRALTO
The note is...
HELENA
I know where the note is and I hit it.
GIRALTO
You were certainly close...
HELENA
Close nothing. I was spot on and I clearly can't trust your opinion you, you,
LACKEY
(whisper)
Philistine.
HELENA
Philistine.
The Lackeys snap their fingers. Helena exits with her Lackeys leaving Giralto standing alone.
GIRALTO
Will there be anything else?
ASSISTANT
No. Go back to the warm ups.
PARKER
Everytime.
ASSISTANT
Yes, sir.
SCENE 5 INT. BACKSTAGE
Toni enters. Parker signals and the three techies exit.
TONI
Giralto. Please send Frank out here for me.
Giralto nods and exits.
PARKER
Is that the one giving us problems?
TONI
Not problems no. He's just... It's coming.
PARKER
I wish it would come faster. It's making me nervous.
TONI
I feel the same way.
FRANK enters and walks nervously to Toni.
FRANK
Yes, ma'am.
TONI
How's the monologue coming?
FRANK
Oh. Um. It's ah... coming.
TONI
Well, let me hear it.
FRANK
Uh... see... here's the thing. It's not quite umm... memorized... yet.
TONI
Frank.
FRANK
I know.
TONI
We open, tonight. If this isn't done soon, we're going to have to get someone else.
FRANK
No. No, please. I can do it. My parents are coming tonight. I can't let them down.
TONI
Okay... You've got two hours. If you don't have it by then, you're out.
FRANK
Thank you. I can get it. I know I can. It's almost done already.
TONI
Well let me hear what you've got so far.
FRANK
Okay. It's ummm... how does it start again?
TONI
Frank!
FRANK
Sorry. I'm feeling pressured now.
TONI
That's not going to go away with the spotlights. What have you been doing for...
CHRISTOPH, Toni's father, enters. He appears to be quite excited about something.
CHRISTOPH
Did I see Helena's car?
TONI
(to self)
Not now...
(to Frank)
We'll go over this later.
(to Christoph)
Yes, sir. She's in her dressing room.
CHRISTOPH
Excellent. How're you doing, sweetheart?
TONI
Pretty good. A little jittery, but nothing too bad.
CHRISTOPH
Totally understandable. That's the feeling I used to live for. The sweaty palms. The butterflies. And sneaking into the bathroom to... nevermind. How's Broadway's next big show coming along?
TONI
Oh, wonderfully.
FRANK
Doesn't it start with something about the noon day sun caressing the earth's delicate blossoms?
Toni gestures Frank away frantically. Parker and Assistant grab him by the arms and pull him back to warm ups.
CHRISTOPH
What was that about?
TONI
Nothing, Dad.
CHRISTOPH
Are you having line problems?
TONI
Oh nothing serious. He's just got some rambunctious butterflies. There is one problem though.
CHRISTOPH
What is it? The choreography? Tricky monologue? I can still pull some of my old director tricks out if...
TONI
It's the Ushers.
Christoph is disappointed.
CHRISTOPH
Oh. What about them?
TONI
Well, they want five more comp tickets. Each.
CHRISTOPH
I see. What did you tell them?
TONI
That it wasn't my department and I'd have to ask you.
(pause)
They said they'll go on strike if we don't meet their demands. And something about a Cylon borging a vulcan separaku. I think.
CHRISTOPH
Yeah, I just zone out when they talk.
(pause)
Well, we can't have them striking. They're going to be very busy tonight.
TONI
How so?
CHRISTOPH
I was going to wait and tell you right before opening but... your old man's been using his critic clout.
TONI
(appears uneasy)
How do you mean?
CHRISTOPH
(misinterprets for excitement)
I've been talking up this show for weeks.
TONI
What?
CHRISTOPH
Yes. You've got a sold out crowd tonight. Every seat filled.
TONI
What?
CHRISTOPH
I know. It's almost unheard of for a new show with a new director but thanks to me once the tickets went on sale they just flew off the shelves so to speak.
TONI
That's great.
Toni leans against a set piece. Just in time to allay suspicion Helena makes a grand entrance. Christoph crosses over to her.
CHRISTOPH
Helena! My vocal angel. How are you?
Helena seems legitimately happy to see Christoph.
HELENA
Christoph! Oh, it's been too long.
Christoph and Helena do that weird European cheek kiss thing. Parker and Assistant re-enter. Toni snaps them over and has a quick silent exchange. Assistant runs off.
CHRISTOPH
It has indeed. I assume you've just finished the needless task of warming your silvery voice?
HELENA
I have indeed.
Assistant returns with a large water bottle and hands it to Toni. Toni practically rips off the cap and proceeds to chug it with a vengeance.
CHRISTOPH
Well, if that's the case I was wondering if you wouldn't mind treating me one to of your show stopping numbers.
Parker and Assistant become concerned and try to take the bottle away from Toni. Toni doesn't let them.
HELENA
I don't know, Christoph, darling. I just don't trust that conductor.
CHRISTOPH
Giralto? Why ever not?
A small fight over the bottle ensues.
HELENA
He had the unmitigated audacity to say I was flat. Can you imagine?
CHRISTOPH
It was early. I'm sure he was still waking up.
The bottle has spilled. Assistant exits again. Toni starts to pace with Parker following.
HELENA
You know, that may have been it. And to think, in such a state he's warming up the other actors.
Assistant returns with a mop
CHRISTOPH
I know, but it can't be helped.
Parker starts trying to make Toni sit down. Gently at first but steadily more forcefully.
CHRISTOPH (CONT’D)
Now, how about that song? For me, my bella donna?
HELENA
How could I say no to you?
CHRISTOPH
Toni, I'm going to steal your stage and your lead for a moment if you... What is going on?
Parker is practically shoving Toni in an attempt to get her off her feet. Assistant, holding the mop like a bat, appears to be preparing to sweep Toni's legs. All return to normal quickly.
TONI
Nothing. Umm... I read this script yesterday and I was thinking about how a certain scene would be blocked.
CHRISTOPH
That's my girl. Never stops working. Now, may I borrow...
TONI
Yes, sure.
Christoph takes Helena by the arm and leads her to the stage, Lackeys following.
TONI (CONT’D)
(heavy sigh)
Parker. I've received a bit of a shock. I'll be in my office.
PARKER
What happened?
TONI
Oh it's nothing serious. Just not what I expected. Hold down the fort for a few minutes will you?
SCENE 6 INT. BACKSTAGE
Toni exits, as Parker and Assistant watch her leave. Off-stage Helena begins yelling at everyone to get off the stage.
ASSISTANT
I wonder what's got her so rattled.
Barrett silently stands behind Parker and Assistant.
PARKER
I don't know. She's probably pretty highstrung right now. It could be anything.
They turn around and are noticeably startled by Barrett. The cast comes on stage after being shooed by Helena. Her lackeys in the rear shoving on the stragglers. Helena's voice begins to sing softly.
ASSISTANT
Don't do that!
BARRETT
Do what?
ASSISTANT
Go all ninja on us.
BARRETT
Kid. I could tell you stories about ninjas that would make your spine curl.
Assistant considers how to take this statement.
PARKER
What is it, Barrett?
BARRETT
As per your instructions, I'm informing you the dinosaur has been turned on.
PARKER
Alright, now...
BARRETT
I don't like it.
PARKER
Pardon?
BARRETT
I don't like it. The thing moves too smooth. Not natural for a machine. Reminds me of the snakes we'd see in Nam.
(to Assistant)
Some of us only saw them out of the corner of our eye. Last thing they'd ever see before its fangs stuck into their necks.
Assistant grabs her neck.
PARKER
We've been through this, Barrett. Regardless of your feelings we're still using the dinosaur and we need it to move smooth for the tap dance sequence.
BARRETT
It also seems to have a few kinks.
PARKER
Oh no. Like what?
BARRETT
Some of the buttons don't respond like I want them to. They either delay or they stick, it depends on the button. Reminds me of how my gun was acting after my chopper went down. They knew we were coming. Somehow they...
PARKER
Can you fix it?
BARRETT
No problem. I'll need to borrow Ed. Shouldn't take more than fifteen minutes. You can do a lot of things in fifteen minutes.
PARKER
Okay... just don't tell Toni. Something's got her rattled and I don't want to bother her with something that we can fix quickly.
BARRETT
I'll let you know when it's done.
A small group of cast members walk by and Barrett disappears.
ASSISTANT
He scares me, sir.
PARKER
I think that's healthy.
Toni steps out of her office. She takes a deep breath to compose herself and steps out. Helena begins singing really loudly.
PARKER (CONT’D)
Remember, nothing about the dinosaur.
ASSISTANT
What was that, sir?
PARKER
Don't tell Toni about the dinosaur.
ASSISTANT
I can't hear you, sir.
PARKER
Be sure to not...
Helena stops singing abruptly.
PARKER (CONT’D)
mention the dinosaur. Crap.
ASSISTANT
Won't do, sir.
TONI
What about the dinosaur?
PARKER
(fake cheerful)
It's running.
TONI
Excellent. I'll have to see it later. Right now, where's Frank?
PARKER
He's over there.
(gestures away from the stage)
TONI
Thank you.
Toni walks in the gestured direction where several cast members are milling about. Parker runs toward the stage, where Frank actually is, and grabs him.
PARKER
Toni wants you, Frank.
Frank is practically shoved at Toni.
TONI
There you are, now, let's hear that monologue.
FRANK
Here's the thing...
PARKER
(to Assistant)
Alright. New minor assignment. Until it's ready, we need to keep Toni away from that dinosaur like I just did.
ASSISTANT
And it was nicely done, sir.
PARKER
Thank you.
Toni continues talking to Frank while Parker and Assistant exit.
SCENE 7 INT. BACKSTAGE
Addison approaches the stage. Helena's voice is once again audible but softer now. Claire comes up behind him.
CLAIRE
What are you doing, Addison?
ADDISON
(startled)
Huh? What?
CLAIRE
What are you doing?
ADDISON
Oh. Nothing. Just, you know, watching Helena perform.
CLAIRE
And why are you doing that?
ADDISON
No particular reason. I'm just bored and it's something to do, you know?
CLAIRE
And that's all?
ADDISON
That's all.
CLAIRE
You were downright miserable with her remember?
Cue music: Chim Chim Cher-ee, Mary Poppins.
ADDISON
Oh, I remember.
I’M PRETTY SURE, I’M PRETTY SURE
YES, POSITIVELY
TO BE DUMPED WAS A BLESSING, A BLESSING FOR ME
I’M PRETTY SURE, I’M PRETTY SURE
YES, HELENA WHO
I WILL BE FREE NOW WITH SOME HELP FROM YOU
ON STAGE WHEN WE KISS, I’LL TRY NOT TO SPEW
WE WERE ON STAGE AND WE EACH SAID OUR LINES
POSITION I’VE BEEN IN JUST HUNDREDS OF TIMES
BUT THIS TIME THE LIGHTING OR SOMETHING HIT ME
MY WHOLE MIND WAS STUCK ON HER BEING LOVELY
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, NEXT THING YOU KNOW
IT’S MISERY
I’M STUCK TO HER ARM LIKE SOME WEIRD TROPHY
AND I’M GETTING SICK, I’M GETTING SICK
SHE IS A SHREW
AND SHE WOULDN’T HEAR, WHEN I SAID WE WERE THROUGH
BOTH
YES IT WAS BAD, YES IT WAS BAD
WE CAN AGREE
MISTAKE IT WAS DATING WE PLAINLY CAN SEE
YOU’RE(I’M) BETTER OFF, YOU’RE(I’M) BETTER OFF
GOOD TIMES WERE FEW
CLAIRE
SHE DOESN’T CARE AND NOW NEITHER DO YOU
ADDISON
BUT I’M AFRAID, WHAT IF MAGIC RETURNS
OR THRILL OF THE THEATER, I FORGET ALL MY BURNS
WHEN I’M OUT ON THE STAGE CITING LOVE FROM A SCRIPT
CAN MY HEART REALLY HANDLE ANOTHER SUCH TRIP
I’LL FORGET ALL MY SUFFRIN’ THAT’LL BE IT
CLAIRE
What?
ADDISON
It could happen. I mean there's a lot of play left. What if I fall for her again.
CLAIRE
Well, I think since you're worried about it it'll make it hard to happen.
ADDISON
I guess. It's just, she's so talented.
CLAIRE
Eh. She's okay.
ADDISON
Are you serious. Listen to her sing. Her monologues always bring me to tears. And, just look at her dance.
Crashes, bangs, various instruments and screams are heard.
SCENE 8 INT. BACKSTAGE
Helena's Lackeys carry an exaggeratedly injured Helena and place her on a set piece. Parker and Assistant follow with Christoph close behind. The cast gathers around her. All look worried. Toni rushes to Helena's side, grabs her face, and gets uncomfortably close to her.
TONI
Helena! Helena! Are you okay.
Helena pushes Toni away.
HELENA
I'm awake you imbecilic dunce!
CHRISTOPH
Toni, I think we need to talk.
TONI
Not now, Dad.
(to Helena)
Can you walk?
HELENA
Of course not. I'm mortally wounded. I'll be lucky to live through the night.
TONI
What happened?
PARKER
(calmly)
She twisted her ankle.
HELENA
I want my mom!
CAST
DISASTER
AND WE OPEN AT TWILIGHT
AND OUR LEAD NEEDS A LIFELIGHT
AND HER VOICE WAS SO FAIR
OH HER BEAUTY
OUTSHONE ALL THAT WE'VE EVER SEEN
AND NOW WE'RE STUCK
WITH JUST CLAIRE
All feel very dejected and appear worried, Claire included.
CLAIRE
Umm... I'm not sure I'm ready.
TONI
Well, get ready. Apparently, we have a sold out crowd tonight...
Parker and Assistant give eachother an "OH..." look.
TONI (CONT’D)
...and we're not giving them their money back. Parker, give her a quick rundown on the tech stuff. I'm going to make sure there's no damage to the stage.
PARKER
Yes, ma'am.
Parker glances back at the stage before approaching Claire. He gestures Assistant toward Toni while mouthing "Stop her".
PARKER (CONT’D)
Okay, it’s relatively simple.
Assistant intercepts Toni and leads her toward something else
PARKER (CONT’D)
In scene one, make sure you’re standing on the second trap door not the third or you’ll break your leg and ruin the show.
Toni again tries to see the stage but Assistant gets in front of her and starts gesturing wildly.
PARKER (CONT’D)
Make sure you jump to the left on the second beat of song three otherwise you’ll be hit by the swinging hammer and ruin the show.
Toni tries to walk past Assistant. Assistant dives to the floor and grabs Toni's leg.
PARKER (CONT’D)
We added a kristometer to lilbarter so don’t mikarker into the hirstobaum or you’ll ruin the show.
Toni is now dragging Assistant across the floor.
PARKER (CONT’D)
Also you have to make sure that you change into your ingorat and not the uToniry in act 2 or you’ll break the tristrock and you’ll ruin the show.
Toni gets to the stage entrance only to be stopped by Barrett, who's standing as still as a statue and just staring at her.
PARKER (CONT’D)
And don’t under any circumstances hartonesh the jeritop or you’ll ruin the theater. Got all that?
Toni decides to not pursue entering the stage.
CLAIRE
Sure.
PARKER
Don't worry. We'll go over it again. If I have time.
CLAIRE
What?
TONI
Parker, make sure everything on stage is still working. I'll be in my office.
CHRISTOPH
Honey, I really think we need to talk.
TONI
Okay, Dad. Just come into the office with me.
Toni exits with Christoph following. Helena's Lackeys carry her away and the rest of the cast trudges away.
SCENE 9 INT. BACKSTAGE
Barrett silently stands next to Parker and Assistant. Once again they're frighted by him.
ASSISTANT
Geez man!
BARRETT
What'd you say, hippie?
PARKER
So it's fixed? Good, Toni could use some good news. Send Ed back over here, I think Helena's going to need some room adjustments.
BARRETT
It's not quite fixed.
PARKER
What do you mean?
BARRETT
It's moving even better but... I've never seen anything like it. We're working and it suddenly roars at us, smacks Ed with it's tail and runs off into the cave set. We followed it, it picked up Ed and threw him across the stage. He needs to rest but he's okay. I administered some first aid.
ASSISTANT
You know first aid.
BARRETT
There's a lot of things I know how to do.
PARKER
Can't we just turn it off.
BARRETT
I don't see how. It's not even plugged in right now.
Parker rubs his temples with his fingers.
PARKER
We are four hours from showtime. Our lead was just "mortally wounded" and our animatronic dinosaur has gone feral and is living in a set piece?
BARRETT
Wild isn't it.
PARKER
(to Assistant)
Get a hold of that Japanese company and find out how the heck this could have happened.
ASSISTANT
Yes sir.
Assistant runs off again.
PARKER
Okay. We need to keep this quiet, alright. Covert in your language.
BARRETT
You talking down to me?
PARKER
(ignores question)
We'll need to tell the Techies because we need them. Did Helena break anything?
BARRETT
No. She just twirled too far and flew off the stage. Giralto's taking that violinist to the hospital but I think he'll be fine. Course, that's what I thought about Jerry. Then the fever got him.
PARKER
Alright. Fill in the techies. We'll tell the cast that the stage is damaged and we're fixing it. Until then it's off-limits. That should keep them away. And don't let Toni know. She's got too much to worry about without adding something like this to her plate.
BARRETT
Okay. I'll start planning the offensive.
Barrett exits.
SCENE 10 INT. TONI’S OFFICE
Toni is sitting at her desk, thumbing through some papers. She's not reading them or looking for anything, merely self distracting. Christoph is standing in front of her, nervous in a weird way.
CHRISTOPH
So... this Claire girl... What has she done?
TONI
Not a whole lot really. A few smaller parts in some off Broadway shows but she was excellent in them.
CHRISTOPH
How so?
TONI
Hard to explain. I just notice these things.
CHRISTOPH
Okay... so we have an unknown taking the place of Helena Morve.
TONI
I. Not we.
CHRISTOPH
Of course. It is my theater however.
TONI
And my show. She's fine. Her voice is actually very comparable to Helena's. All of the range, none of the attitude. Were it not for Helena's marketability, I would've given Claire the role.
CHRISTOPH
Psh. Helena Morve is incomparable.
TONI
She's not here, Dad. You don't have to keep talking like that.
(pause)
Oh my gosh you really think that don't you.
CHRISTOPH
Helena is one of the most talented actors I've ever had the pleasure of working with. And I've worked with
TONI
Please, don't list them now.
CHRISTOPH
Well, we need to work fast here, Toni.
TONI
Oh don't worry. Claire's been rehearsing for just as long as Helena. She probably put more hours in as well. She'll be more than fine.
CHRISTOPH
We have to insure the show gets the proper adulation or it'll never become a hit.
TONI
Dad. Don't worry.
Cue music: Married in the Mornin', My Fair Lady
CHRISTOPH
You're not listening.
PEOPLE READ PAPERS IN THE MORNING
POST OR THE JOURNAL OR THE TIMES
WORDS FULL OF POWER
ABOUT YOUR HOUR
YOU’LL WANT FOR THEM TO SAY “DEVINE”
I’VE GOT SOME FAVORS I CAN CALL IN
GO FISH AND POKER DEBTS DECLINED
GAMBLING’S THEIR PLEASURE
I OWN THE LEDGER
I’LL SCRATCH IT IF THEY SAY “SUBLIME”
I’VE GOT A COUPLE THINGS IN SECRET
THINGS THAT ARE CERTAINLY NOT FINE
TAPES AND SOME PHOTOS
OF THEIR OWN NO NOS
THIS PLAY WILL QUICKLY BE ENSHRINED
TONI
Dad. No. I... What? How...? No. I don't want any of that. Why would I?
CHRISTOPH
It's just with our lead being out, do we really want to take the risk.
TONI
Yes. Dad, this kind of thing happens. And even though my lead is out I want to take the risk. Okay?
CHRISTOPH
Whatever you say? It's your play. But, think about it alright?
SCENE 11 INT. HELENA’S DRESSING ROOM
Helena is lying on a sofa, moaning and groaning. Her Lackeys are involved in busy work.
HELENA
Oh... I need my pillow fluffed.
One Lackey dashes over to complete the task.
LACKEY
At once, Ms Morve.
The pillow is fluffed.
HELENA
Someone bring me some ice!
Another Lackey gets on it.
SYCOPHANT
Of course, Ms Morve.
He leaves. The remaining Lackey approaches Helena.
FLUNKY
May I talk to you for a minute, Ms Morve?
HELENA
Oh, go ahead.
FLUNKY
I just couldn't help noticing your in a lot of pain, despite how well you're keeping it hidden.
LACKEY
You are being very brave ma'am.
HELENA
Yes, I know.
FLUNKY
But I have these pills that should help immensely for your pain.
HELENA
Well, I don't like to take any kind of medication...
FLUNKY
I understand.
HELENA
But if you insist give them to me.
Flunky hands over a pill, Lackey has a noticeable reaction upon seeing it. While Helena swallows the pill Lackey pulls Flunky to the side.
LACKEY
What are you doing?
FLUNKY
What?
LACKEY
For starters, those are mine. Second, do you know what those are?
FLUNKY
Of course I do. She'll take them, pass out, and then we get some peace for a little while.
LACKEY
Yeah. That's one possible outcome.
FLUNKY
What's the other one?
Cue music: Phantom of the Opera, Phantom of the Opera.
HELENA
WHAT IS THIS STRANGE FEELING?
WHAT CAN THIS BE?
A NUMBING ODD HEALING
SO STRANGE TO ME
AND CAN I TRUST MY EYES?
FOR IN MY SIGHT
THE WORLD’S GREATEST DETECTIVE SHERLOCK HOLMES
BECK’NING ME NIGH
Helena's trip starts full force and she starts to dance with Sherlock Holmes.
SHERLOCK HOLMES
IT WAS NO ACCIDENT
YOUR INJURED LEG
THEY’RE OUT TO DESTROY YOU
THEY’RE ALL A THREAT
AND THIS NEW ACTRESS CLAIRE
MAY STEAL YOUR LIGHT
YOU CAN’T ALLOW THEM TO SUCCEED WITH THIS
THEY HAVE NO RIGHT
HELENA
I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S TRUE
THEY WOULDN’T DARE
I’M HELENA MORVE
SHERLOCK HOLMES
THEY DO NOT CARE
BOTH
THEY’RE ALL JEALOUS OF ME/YOU
THIS IS FOR SPITE
MY/YOUR LEG WAS INJURED TO GET RID OF ME/YOU
THIS MEANS A FIGHT
CAST
HOW COULD THEY DEAL YOU SUCH A LOW BLOW
HELENA YOU MUST END THE WHOLE SHOW
SHERLOCK HOLMES
THEY MUST PAY, OH DIVA
D’STROY THE PLAY
Visualization of Helena's bizarre trip ends. Lackey and Flunky stare at her wordlessly.
HELENA
Come, my lackeys. We have a job to do.
LACKEY
What job is that?
HELENA
We must get rid of Giralto!
Helena exits, laughing to herself. Moments later, Sycophant re-enters carrying a large chunk of ice and sees the other two Lackeys dazed.
SYCOPHANT
What'd I miss?
SCENE 12 INT. BACKSTAGE
Toni exits her office and paces around. Parker is talking to a group of techies.
PARKER
We don't know why it's doing what it's doing. The only thing that matters is it is. We need to fix it soon or else...
(Toni nears the group)
So it's one two three light. One two three light one light three light light light light four. Blackout...
(Toni reaches a safe distance)
or else our show may very well not happen. That stupid dinosaur is also the most expensive thing in this show, so we also need to do all we can to keep from breaking it. If someone does...
(Toni gets near again)
That cable's starting to come up so be sure to duct tape it again. That third outlet is giving us trouble too, so make sure everything going in is...
(safe distance)
If someone does, let's just say you want be getting a paycheck for a very long time. Now, let's go.
Techies give a "break" clap and march morbidly off stage. Parker is almost out when Toni calls to him.
TONI
Parker.
PARKER
Yes?
TONI
Parker, how's the stage coming?
PARKER
Oh it's fine. We just need a little longer.
TONI
Okay. I'm just getting a little nervous here.
PARKER
Oh don't worry, we'll be fine.
TONI
How's the cast doing?
PARKER
I think they're holding up fine. Why?
TONI
This kind of thing can be a bit disheartening.
PARKER
They're fine.
Cast enters, looking very dejected.
PARKER (CONT’D)
Well, maybe they could use a pep talk.
TONI
Well, you do a lot for me, but that's my job.
Parker nods and backs away. Toni pulls up a chair and stands on it. Cue music: ABC Cafe, Les Miserables. Parker sneaks onto the stage.
TONI (CONT’D)
Alright everyone gather around. We have a show to do.
ADDISON
WHAT’S THE POINT WE LOST HELENA MORVE
STEVEN
CLAIRE CAN’T POSSIBLY FILL THE ROLE
FRANK
STUDENTS COUPLES AND CRITICS
WILL BE STRUCK WITH FACIAL TICKS
THIS WILL SLAUGHTER MY CAREER
STUCK IN HEADLIGHTS LIKE A DEER
TONI
DO NOT DESPAIR
DESPAIR IS SIMPLY ADMITTING DEFEAT
I HAVE NO FEAR
I AM SURE THIS IS AN ODD WE CAN BEAT
BECAUSE OUR TECH AND OUR SCRIPT ARE ALL VERY GOOD
AND I CAN’T THINK OF A WAY TO IMPROVE ON OUR CAST
AND WITH OR WITHOUT A LEAD LIKE MORVE
WE SHALL OPEN OUR CURTAIN AND SING TO THE LAST
LET’S HAVE SOME HOPE
WE CANNOT AFFORD
T’ SIT ON OUR BUTTOCKS
TO LAY DOWN AND MOPE
WELL WHAT DO YOU SAY?
STEVEN
WHAT DO WE SAY?
WE’RE CERTAIN THAT WE’RE AT AN END
TONI
THAT’S NOT QUITE WHAT I WANT TO HEAR
FRANK
HAVE HOPE YOU SAY WHAT HOPE HAVE WE
HOPE IS ALL BUT LOST TO ME
I STILL CAN’T RECALL MY MONOLOGUE
STEVEN
YOU’RE TOO FORLORN YOU’RE A DISGRACE
THAT IS FAR TOO SLOW A PACE
I THOUGHT YOU WERE A DEMAGOGUE
THE JOB OF ACTOR CAN BE HARD
WORK HARDER YOU SAD RETARD
I MAY BEAT YOU WITH A ROD
TONI
IT’S A POINT IN OUR LIVES
TO STEP UP AND BE GREAT
NOW YOUR PHONE HAS JUST RUNG
DEST’NY WANTED TO SET UP A DATE
NOW IT’S ONE OF THOSE TIMES
YOU MUST EARN ALL YOUR PAY
IS IT WORTH THE HEARTACHE
WE SUFFER FOR A PLAY
YOU CAN BE NO ONE
TO SOMEONE IN A DAY
HOPE - PLEASE HAVE IT FOR US ALL
FIGHT - WE HAVE NOT REACHED THE END
HOPE - DON’T GIVE IN TO DESPAIR
FIGHT - OUR BAD LUCK STILL CAN BEND
ADDISON
I FEEL YOU ARE RIGHT
THIS CAN BE OVERCOME
CLAIRE IS SIMPLY A NEWBIE
BUT TONIGHT IS HER NIGHT
I KNOW YOU ARE RIGHT
FOR THE SHOW MUST GO ON
WE OWE IT TO TONI
TO HAVE EYES THAT ARE BRIGHT
FOR WHATEVER GOES WRONG
WE MUST FACE THAT STAGE LIGHT
TONI
CAST
ADDISON
WE WILL GIVE IT OUR ALL
TONI
CREW
ADDISON
WE KNOW THAT THEY’LL SUCCEED
TONI
CAST
ADDISON
WE WON’T BREAK THE FOURTH WALL
TONI
CREW
ADDISON
THEY ALWAYS MEET OUR NEED
TONI
PEOPLE, THIS IS NOT JUST A DRILL
THE SHOW MUST GO ON AND IT WILL
I EXPECT YOU ALL TO BE ON THE BALL
WE HAVE GIVEN CLAIRE THE ROLE
THOUGH SHE IS AN ACTING FOAL
WE’LL GET THAT SECOND CURTAIN CALL
LIGHTS – MAKE SURE THEY’RE ALL TURNED ON
SOUND – I WANT NO SPEAK POPS
SONG – REMEMBER ALL THE WORDS
DANCE – AND PLEASE DON’T BREAK YOUR LEG
Everyone feels riled up and ready. Toni feels proud of herself and steps off her chair.
TONI (CONT’D)
Frank. Let's hear that monologue.
FRANK
About that...
TONI
Frank!
Frank runs off. Toni hesitates, then chases him.
SCENE 13 INT. BACKSTAGE
Parker peeks into the backstage area.
PARKER
Alright. Coast is clear.
Parker enters followed by entire tech crew except for Ed and Ian. All look incredibly disheveled and injuries are common.
HEATHER
That thing is way faster than it looks.
KEITH
I didn't sign up for this. Nowhere in my contract does it say anything about dinosaurs.
Assistant's phone rings. She answers and walks away.
LOU
It's considered part of aiding with show related emergencies. That's how I'm stuck picking out clear gummie bears.
PARKER
(to Assistant)
Who was on the phone?
ASSISTANT
The dinosaur's company called back.
PARKER
And...
ASSISTANT
Well apparently, they also make robot dinosaurs to sell to rich hunters who set them loose on their property so they can shoot them. Apparently they put our program in it's brain, but they forgot to delete the previous program.
PARKER
So our dinosaur thinks it's a dinosaur. Great.
BARRETT
I told you something was wrong with that lizard.
PARKER
We'll get to I told you so's later. For now we need to figure out what we're going to do. We can't make another head on assault. Ed and Ian are already down. Did we manage to stop Ian's bleeding?
ASSISTANT
Yes, sir.
(phone rings)
Hello?
PARKER
Alright. New plan. We're all going to be bait. Except Barrett. While we distract it, he'll sneak into the rafters and drop the net from Act 2 onto it. Got it?
(all nod)
Great. Now then, go and get some more weapons since it broke all of our other weapons.
The tech crew starts trudging in one direction.
BARRETT
If any of you touch my props I'll kill you.
Without hesitating, the entire crew marches the other direction.
ASSISTANT
Sir, we may have another problem.
PARKER
What now?
ASSISTANT
Well, apparently Giralto came back in after he dropped that violinist off at the hospital...
PARKER
Diagnosis?
ASSISTANT
Sprained wrist. He'll be back by Saturday. But Giralto came back in twenty minutes ago, and no one's seen him since.
PARKER
So our conductor is missing?
ASSISTANT
Looks that way.
PARKER
Well. That we can't not tell Toni about. She should be able to fix that.
ASSISTANT
God willing.
PARKER
That seems to be asking a lot today.
Toni re-enters, dragging Frank by the ear.
TONI
Now, you are not going to look up from your script until this monologue is memorized.
FRANK
Okay okay.
PARKER
Toni.
TONI
What?
PARKER
We have another problem.
TONI
Wonderful. What is it?
PARKER
Well, apparently Giralto is missing. No one knows where he is.
TONI
You're kidding right?
PARKER
I wish I was. Good sweet Mike I wish I was.
TONI
Okay....... I'll get a replacement conductor. FRANK KEEP READING!
Assistant and the other crew enter carrying various blunt objects. Parker notices and pulls Toni away.
PARKER
Do you have anyone in mind.
TONI
I know a couple of people. If need be, I'll ask my dad.
(to self)
I really don't want to ask my dad.
PARKER
I agree. I've got a couple of people you can call. Hang on.
Parker snaps his fingers and Assistant dashes over, carrying a hockey stick. Toni starts to turn around but Parker abruptly pulls her back, their faces end up strangely close (noses touching) as Assistant arrives.
PARKER (CONT’D)
Get me the numbers of my conductor friends please.
Assistant starts to flip through notes. Parker and Toni's faces are apart but his hand is still on her shoulder to keep her from turning around. Whenever she tries to turn her head he moves that away.
TONI
Why are you carrying a hockey stick?
ASSISTANT
Superstition.
TONI
What happened to your face?
(referring to a cut)
ASSISTANT
Industry hazards. Here you go.
TONI
Why do you already have that list?
PARKER
Preparedness.
TONI
Okay. Well, thanks.
Toni leaves.
PARKER
I think she may suspect something.
ASSISTANT
Not on your watch, sir.
PARKER
Well... let's go get that lizard.
Parker and Assistant follow the other techies to the stage.
SCENE 14 INT. BACKSTAGE
Helena, sporting a casted arm and in commando gear, comes out of her hiding place followed by her Lackeys.
HELENA
So, the dinosaur's gone crazy eh? Well we'll just have to take full advantage of that won't we my minions?
SYCOPHANT
When did we become minions?
LACKEY
SHH. Ms Morve, don't you think you should rest that arm?
HELENA
It's only a sprain. I can barely feel it.
LACKEY
That's because you're on extremely powerful, prescription pain killers.
FLUNKY
And do you really think you should do this after that happened with your last escapade?
HELENA
I just didn't expect Giralto to put up that much of a fight. I'm more prepared now. I'm seeing things much clearer too.
LACKEY
That's debatable.
HELENA
It was strange though. It was like he knew we were coming. Y'all wouldn't know how he knew would you?
SYCOPHANT
(changing subject)
What will getting rid of Steve do exactly? They replaced you quickly, doesn't he have an understudy?
HELENA
Of course they do. But, Steve is also the most intense method actor I've ever worked with. He is completely in character at all times. His understudy won't even come close. The show will suck.
FLUNKY
Here he comes.
Helena and minions hide. Steve enters, walking very weird. As he passes the hiding spot, the minions grab him and pull him behind their hiding spot. Helena stands triumphantly only to abruptly fall as all minions stand up.
HELENA
(unseeable)
Who put a banana peel back here!?
SYCOPHANT
On the plus side, your cast landed on his head.
LACKEY
On the negative side your leg shouldn't bend that way.
FLUNKY
Oh crap, he's coming to.
Steve stands up, dressed head to toe like Charlie Chaplin and proceeds to walk across the stage acting like him.
SYCOPHANT
What the...
HELENA
(still out of sight)
What? What is it?
LACKEY
He looks like that silent movie dude.
(pause)
Where'd the hat and everything come from?
HELENA
He's gone into a character regression. He played Chaplin last spring in Silent Film America. He probably doesn't even know who he is. Well that takes care of him. Help me up. We need to figure out what to do about that dinosaur.
FLUNKY
We should take care of your leg first.
HELENA
It's nothing.
FLUNKY
It's sideways.
HELENA
Always with the negative. I'm starting to think you're being a detriment to this noble cause. I will not have mutiny. If you're not with me you're against me and you don't want to be against me.
FLUNKY
Well let's get you up then.
The minions carry Helena off stage.
SCENE 15 INT. BACKSTAGE
Addison enters. He's pacing back and forth and biting his nails. Claire enters, in a very bizarre costume.
CLAIRE
Addison. Thank heaven. I've been looking everywhere for you.
Addison turns around. He's excited to see her but doesn't seem to have heard what she said.
ADDISON
Claire. Good. I need help.
CLAIRE
You need help? I came here today expecting to be in chorus. Now I'm supposed to go on in two hours, I'm sweating enough to water a plant, my voice keeps squeaking uncontrollably,
(it does)
my stomach feels like a time bomb, and now I'm just like a runaway x-games bride trying to disguise herself as a chicken!
ADDISON
Yes, but I think I'm falling for Helena again.
Claire totally forgets her situation.
CLAIRE
What? That's insane. How could...
ADDISON
Ever since she got hurt. She was sitting there, in pain, and all I could think of was how... human she looked and I wanted to help and care for her. I resisted, but now... All I can think of is her smile, her laugh, her legs. HELP ME!
CLAIRE
Okay, okay. It's very simple. Just remember that time you went to that Thai restaurant.
ADDISON
Which time?
CLAIRE
You know... with the cat, and the sushi, and the car battery.
ADDISON
Oh... ew. Right. Blech.
(snaps out of it)
Thanks, Claire. That's what I nee... sweet fancy Moses, what are you wearing?
CLAIRE
It's the opening costume. I'm not the same size as Helena so it had to be adjusted and this happened. Fortunately they're still working on it.
ADDISON
Thank heavens.
CLAIRE
It's definitely making the nerves worse though. I'm going crazy. I really don't think I can do this.
ADDISON
But, just yesterday you were all excited and you couldn't wait, and you powerslid in here and I don't know. You were brimming with confidence.
CLAIRE
And now I'm going on in two hours dressed like a claymation chicken that's molting.
ADDISON
I think your first analogy was better.
CLAIRE
I didn't want to reuse it.
ADDISON
Good call. You don't need to worry. You're a great actress and singer. You'll do fine. Plus, unlike Frank you have your lines memorized.
FRANK
Working on it.
CLAIRE
Thanks. Yeah, being Frank might be worse than being me right now.
ADDISON
I'd be nervous but that's just me. I can't imagine going on instead of Helena. She's so... talented and awesome... and sings better than most Angels...
CLAIRE
Uh... Addison?
ADDISON
ANYTHING WE CAN DO
SHE CAN DO BETTER
SHE CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN US
CLAIRE
ARE YOU SURE?
ADDISON
YES, SHE CAN
CLAIRE
ANYTHING?
ADDISON
YES SHE CAN
CLAIRE
THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT
ADDISON
YES, SHE CAN
YES, SHE CAN
CLAIRE
ANYTHING YOU COULD SAY
SURE WOULD BE BETTER
WHAT YOU ARE SAYING
JUST ISN’T MUCH HELP
ADDISON
WHAT WAS THAT?
CLAIRE
I’M UPSET
ADDISON
WHAT’D I DO?
CLAIRE
HONESTLY
ADDISON
I GIVE UP
CLAIRE
NOT A THING NOT A THING
ADDISON
SHE CAN BRING THE HOUSE DOWN
DANCING IN A BALL GOWN.
CLAIRE
BEFORE THE CURTAIN GOES UP
I AM GONNA THROW UP
ADDISON
SHE IS NEVER SCARED AT ALL
CLAIRE
CAN ALL OF THIS WAIT?
I NEED TO FAINT
ADDISON
ANYONE YOU HAVE KISSED
SHE KISSED SHE CAN KISS BETTER
SHE CAN KISS ANYONE
BETTER THAN YOU
CLAIRE
Addison?
ADDISON
YES, SHE CAN
CLAIRE
What the heck?
ADDISON
OH SHE CAN
CLAIRE
That must stop
ADDISON
CAN CAN CAN
CLAIRE
I’ll hurt you
ADDISON
YES, SHE CAN
CLAIRE
Shut your mouth
ADDISON
YES, SHE CAN
CLAIRE
ANY GIRL ON THE STREET’S
BETTER THAN MORVE
YOU COULD FIND ANYONE
BETTER FOR YOU
ADDISON
HOBO CHICKS?
CLAIRE
ALL OF THEM
ADDISON
ONE GIRL BANDS?
CLAIRE
THEY’RE A GEM
ADDISON
STREET MIME GIRLS?
CLAIRE
THAT’S A SIN
I CONDEMN
ADDISON
WELL ANYWHERE YOU WILL GO
SHE WILL GO FARTHER
HER CAREER WILL GO
FARTHER THAN YOU
CLAIRE
OH THAT’S HARSH
ADDISON
YES, SHE WILL
CLAIRE
YOU’RE JUST MEAN
ADDISON
YES, SHE WILL
CLAIRE
NUFF OF THAT
ADDISON
YES SHE WILL
YES SHE WILL
SHE’S A JETSETTER
AND A SNAPPY DRESSER
CLAIRE
MY PITS ARE GETTING WETTER
NOT A GOOD TREND SETTER
ADDISON
HER PERFORMANCE HAS NO FLAWS
CLAIRE
YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?
ADDISON
Yeah
CLAIRE
YOU’RE MAKING IT WORSE YA JERK
SHE IS NO USE TO YOU
DUMP HER FROM YOUR MIND
SHE IS JUST EVIL
A DARE I SAY WITCH
ADDISON
NO SHE’S NOT
CLAIRE
YES SHE IS
ADDISON
NO, SHE’S NOT
CLAIRE
YES SHE IS
BOTH
NO SHE’S NOT/YES SHE IS
ADDISON
NO SHE’S NOT
THIS STUPID COSTUME
LOOKED REALLY GOOD ON HER
I GUESS YOU’RE JUST
NOT LOVELY AS HER
CLAIRE
TAKE IT BACK
ADDISON
OH I CAN’T
CLAIRE
TAKE IT BACK
ADDISON
NO I CAN’T
CLAIRE
TAKE IT BACK
ADDISON
I JUST CAN’T I JUST CAN’T
CLAIRE
IF YOU CANNOT SAY
ANYTHING NICELY
IT WOULD BE BEST TO SAY
NOTHING AT ALL
ADDISON
WHAT YOU MEAN?
CLAIRE
YOU WERE RUDE
ADDISON
NOT THAT BAD
CLAIRE
CRASS AND CRUDE
ADDISON
THAT’S JUST DUMB
BOTH
NO I’M NOT/YES YOU ARE
ADDISON
SHE’S A LOVELY ANGEL
CLAIRE
THAT I WANNA STRANGLE
ADDISON
OVER YOU SHE DOES ROCK
CLAIRE
THOUGHT THIS WAS A PEP TALK.
ADDISON
HER EYES CAN SET ME ABLAZE
CLAIRE
THIS IS TOO MUCH
AND REALLY SUCKS
ADDISON
ANYTHING YOU CAN SING
SHE CAN SING SWEETER
SHE CAN SING ANYTHING
SWEETER THAN YOU
CLAIRE
WOULD YOU STOP
ADDISON
BUT SHE CAN
CLAIRE
PLEASE SHUT UP
ADDISON
YES SHE CAN
CLAIRE
I FEEL WORSE
ADDISON
SO DO I
CLAIRE
THIS MUST END END END
ADDISON
WE MUST MEND MEND MEND
BOTH
WE’RE STILL FRIENDS
SCENE 16 INT. TONI’S OFFICE
Toni again sits at her desk, on the phone. Christoph enters.
TONI
Yes. Well it's not that difficult. Well there's only one song that has an accelerando and a ritard. The rest just stay at the same tempo. Well you can put a clicktrack in your ear if you like. I realize that yes, but they can't work off what's going stage without a leader. Well a click track sucks as a leader. Okay... well just think about it. Quickly. Bye. What is it, Dad?
CHRISTOPH
Well our troubles are over, sweetheart. I've got the whole thing fixed already.
TONI
How?
CHRISTOPH
Well, as we both know, awards season is just around the corner.
TONI
Right...
CHRISTOPH
Well I've started giving some strings a tug and regardless of what happens tonight, you'll be getting two nominations. Best director of a musical and best musical. If all goes well you should win one if not both.
TONI
That's insane. Dad, I can't... I don't want that.
CHRISTOPH
Of course you do. Since you were two you were saying how you wanted to win a Tony.
TONI
No. I wanted to earn a Tony. I'd rather this show bomb than just be given something I don't deserve.
CHRISTOPH
Do you have any idea what you're saying? For your first show to win a Tony, that's unheard of. In one season, you'll have surpassed me. You'll get the one thing I never did in all those years I figuratively, and sometimes literally, bled for the theater.
TONI
But it won't mean anything.
CHRISTOPH
Being a great director means making the hard choices. If you're not willing to do that, then you'll never be great.
TONI
Hard choices? You're trying to make me take the easy one.
CHRISTOPH
No. You're taking the easy one that so many people do. You're denying your destiny because you don't want to take the road that needs to be taken.
TONI
My destiny?
CHRISTOPH
Yes. Destiny. Your name is Toni for heaven's sake.
TONI
Was that on purpose?
CHRISTOPH
No. Just convenient. This thing is already rolling and whether you like it or not, it's going to happen. And if you can't accept it, then I was wrong. Wrong to give you this theater, wrong to produce this show, and wrong to make you a director because clearly you're no leader. Think about all the actors and even the techies working for you. Being on an award winning show would make their careers, and a bomb could kill them. Are you going to do that to them just to save your pride?
Christoph exits. Toni stands up and beats on the wall behind her. She picks up her chair and throws it over her desk before sitting on the floor and almost crying. Cue music: Tomorrow, Annie.
TONI
I’M THINKING ABOUT
MY REVENGE
HOW CAN I GET BACK AT
HIM FOR HIS SIN
FIND A WAY
ALL THE AWFUL THINGS
I COULD DO
FILL HIS CAR WITH PILES AND PILES
OF DOG DOO
THAT’D BE GREAT
CAUSE I’M STUCK WITH A DAD
WHO’S BAD
A CHEATER
HE CAN SIT ON A PIN
I’LL WIN
HE’LL PAY
I’LL PUT ON HIS DOOR
SOME WATER
SO WHEN THE DOOR OPENS
IT WILL TOTTER
HE’LL BE SOAKED
AND EARTHWORMS, I’LL NEED THEM
WITH LEECHES I’LL BLEED HIM
PUT JELL-O INSIDE HIS COAT
CAUSE I’M STUCK WITH A DAD
WHO’S BAD
A CHEATER
HE CAN SIT ON A PIN
I’LL WIN
HE’LL PAY
YEAH
HE NEVER WILL KNOW
IT WAS ME
A KIND OF POWDER TO
MAKE HIM ITCHY
WILL BE CHOICE
A SPECIAL
NEW TONIC
A COUGH WILL BE CHRONIC
UNTIL HE HAS LOST HIS VOICE
Steven enters, dressed as Annie and joins in.
BOTH
AND MAYBE
I WILL SEE
HIM BEFORE A JURY
AND IF, THEN I WILL REJOICE
TONI
Steven? What are you doing?
STEVEN
Shh... Mrs Hannigan may hear us. I'm running away.
Steven leaves and almost knocks over an entering Parker.
STEVEN (CONT’D)
You two should go back to bed. Don't want you to get in trouble.
(exits)
PARKER
I cannot deny, that guy is good.
TONI
Not like him to be out of character though. Anyway, what'd you need?
PARKER
Just letting you know we're almost done with the stage. But the last part is going to kick up a lot dust so we're telling all non tech people to stay out of the back stage area until it clears.
TONI
Okay. Let me know when you're done.
PARKER
Will do.
Parker exits into the backstage area.
SCENE 17 INT. BACKSTAGE
Assistant is waiting.
ASSISTANT
What's wrong with Steven, sir?
PARKER
No idea and I don't have time to worry about it right now. Are we ready?
ASSISTANT
As ready as we can be, sir.
PARKER
(yells up to the rafters)
Barrett, you ready?
BARRETT
(off stage)
Haven't done an aerial assault since June of '72. It was too clear. We never should've gone.
PARKER
Okay. He's ready. Alright team. CHARGE!
All techies dash off/on stage. A roar is heard as well as various exclamations and commands. Helena and her minions enter, all dressed as hippies and Sycophant is carrying a sign reading, "Free the Animals". They run off/on stage. More exclamations as the two teams clash with eachother and the dinosaur. Steven then joins the group, dressed as the phantom of the opera. Minions start yelling about Helena. A large crash is heard followed by screams and sirens and gun shots. Minions, carrying Helena who can't walk now, and Steven enter looking very proud of themselves before disappearing. Techies enter, looking very disheartened. They are all even more bruised and bloodied. Toni dashes out of her office.
TONI
What was that noise? And what on earth happened to you?
PARKER
Toni... we need to talk. Let's go into your office.
Parker enters the office.
TONI
Frank?
FRANK
It's coming.
TONI
Darn it, Frank!
Toni goes into her office.
SCENE 18 INT. TONI’S OFFICE
Parker is already seated.
PARKER
You're gonna want to sit down.
TONI
Why?
PARKER
I've got some really bad news.
TONI
Oh...
Cue music: Modern Major General, Pirates of Penzance.
TONI (CONT’D)
My ranking of bad news has really risen of late.
THIS STARTED AS THE MODEL OF A MODERN MAJOR MUSICAL
IT HAS ROMANCE AND SCARES AND THEN IT EVEN GETS POLITICAL
JUST YESTERDAY A TRUCK ARRIVED WITH EVERY TYPE OF ANIMAL
AND FOR THE STARS WE HAVE TO SHIP IN WATER WITH A MINERAL
I WAS AWARE THAT THINGS MIGHT BECOME A BIT PROBLEMATICAL
BUT NEVER IN MY DARKEST DREAMS COULD I HAVE THOUGHT SOMETHING SO RADICAL
SINCE ARRIVING JUST TODAY I HAVE BEEN BLASTED BY A LOT OF NEWS
AND NOW I KNOW TOMORROW MORN WILL SIMPLY HAVE NO GOOD REVIEWS
WE HAVE A METHOD ACTOR WHO THOUGHT HE WAS CHARLIE CHAPALIN
OUR BIGGEST STAR IS HURT AND THEN SHE KEEPS ON GETTING HURT AGAIN
THE NEW KID STILL IS SCARED TO DEATH OF BEING HER REPLACIMENT
AND HER EX HAS PUT THIS SHOW INSIDE QUITE A PREDICAMENT
MY FATHER WANTS TO STEAL THIS SHOW BY USING TYPES OF CUNNERY
AND FRANK HAS MEMORIZED HIS LINES MUCH SLOWER THAN A WALLABEE
WITH ALL THE CRAZINESS I WILL SOON HEAR FAKE PEOPLE LAUGH AT ME
THIS BETTER BE REAL GOOD NEWS OR I JUST MIGHT BLOW A CAPPIL’RY
PEOPLE WORKING IN THIS PLACE ARE ALL BRASH AND DUMB AND BLUSTERRY
I’VE NEVER HEARD SO MANY SAY THEIR HOTDOGS ARE TOO MUSTARDY
WITH MANY PROBLEMS RANGING THROUGH THE MENTAL AND THE PHYSICAL
THIS PLACE HAS ALL THE MAKINGS OF A PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL
PARKER
Please sit down, Toni.
TONI
I'd rather stand.
PARKER
No, Toni. Sit down.
Toni does
PARKER (CONT’D)
TODAY THE TECHIES STARTED GETTING SMACK TALK FROM OUR DINOSAUR
AND THE NEXT THING THAT WE KNEW HE HAD TURNED AND GAVE A MIGHTY ROAR
HE HOLED UP IN A CAVE AND WOULD ATTACK ALL THAT WERE DUMB ENOUGH
HE TOSSED AROUND OUR TECHIES AS IF THEY WERE MERELY BALES OF FLUFF
HELENA TOOK TO EASE HER PAIN SOME PILLS THAT MADE HER PARANOID
SHE SOUGHT TO END THE SHOW AND SO SHE MADE A PLAN THAT SHE DEPLOYED
SHE SNUCK AROUND WITH STEALTH AND THEN SHE OPENED UP THE BACKSTAGE DOOR
AND ALL THE NOISE OUTSIDE IS PEOPLE SHOOTING AT OUR DINOSAUR
Toni snaps her pencil in her hands.
TONI
Please, please, please pleeeeease tell me you're kidding.
PARKER
Oh I wish I was.
There's a knock on the door and before either can answer it opens. T.J. and JAMES, the writers, enter.
JAMES
Umm... Toni. We've been relooking over it and we found some places in the script that needed some tweaking...
T.J.
So we did. It's nothing major but umm...
JAMES
It really helps with dialogue flow.
TONI
OUT!
T.J.
Yeah okay.
JAMES
A little rude.
T.J.
I told you it was time to put the pen down.
JAMES
There's no such thing as a perfect script.
T.J.
But there is such a thing as a finished script.
The writers exit.
TONI
WITH ALL THE PROBLEMS RAGING EITHER MENTAL OR THEIR PHYSICAL
IF I AM NOT COMMITTED IT WILL BE A BLOODY MIRACLE
PARKER
I'll admit, it looks bad.
TONI
Looks bad? We go on in an hour and our 750,000 dollar dinosaur is getting gunned down by a SWAT team.
PARKER
Yes but...
Christoph enters.
CHRISTOPH
Parker, you've done enough. Get out.
PARKER
But...
CHRISTOPH
Out. I need to have a talk with my daughter.
Parker exits and closes the door.
TONI
How much did you hear?
CHRISTOPH
Everything.
TONI
I'm sure there's something I can do. I just have to think of a quick plan, then go out there, chin high...
CHRISTOPH
And what plan will that be exactly?
TONI
I don't know, I haven't thought of it.
CHRISTOPH
Toni, you have let this show spin completely out of control. You have an actor who hasn't memorized his lines, a method actor who's going through character regression, last I saw he was wearing a coon skin cap trying to explore the ventilation system. Your conductor is missing. Your star actress is in a wheelchair and so hopped up on pain killers she's lost her mind. Your show's big special effect has essentially escaped, and is probably completely destroyed by now.
TONI
But...
CHRISTOPH
I thought you were ready. I thought you were like me. I thought you had the makings of a great director, but you are clearly not ready for this. I can't let this show go on like this.
TONI
But, Dad. The show must go on. Come rain, come shine come snow, come sleet, the show must go on. That's what you always say.
CHRISTOPH
Oh it will. Just not with you. I'm taking over this show.
SCENE 19 INT. BACKSTAGE
Claire is pouring over her script next to Addison, who is duct taped to a chair.
ADDISON
Okay, Claire. This started out funny and now I'm chafing.
CLAIRE
Shh.
ADDISON
Come on, let me up. I've decided I don't want you to help me anymore.
Claire ignores him. Addison starts struggling to get out. Enter Sam. She stares at Addison for a second, perplexed.
SAM
Well... what's your story?
Addison glares at Claire.
CLAIRE
(doesn't look up)
Intervention. He thinks he's in love with Helena so I'm saving him from himself.
SAM
You're better off.
Sam studies Claire for a little bit.
SAM (CONT’D)
He may be starstruck, but you look like someone with a real bad case of the jitters.
Claire looks up.
CLAIRE
What? No. I'm fine. I can't wait to go out there. Onto that bright stage and have thousands of people staring at me and judging me and and and… Yeah. I’m scared to death.
SAM
But why?
ADDISON
That's what I've been saying.
CLAIRE
No. You've been saying that I don't look as good in this dress as Helena.
ADDISON
Well no one could.
SAM
Hey both of you. Stop it. I'm talking to Claire right now. We'll come back to you.
ADDISON
It's not like I'm going anywhere.
SAM
Zip it.
ADDISON
I'm tied to a chair. That gives me the right to be snippy.
Sam flicks Addison's ear.
ADDISON (CONT’D)
Ow. Fine.
SAM
Now, why all the nerves?
CLAIRE
This is a big deal. I mean if I do well tonight, it's the real start of my career. If I don't. Who knows what'll happen to me. I could kill my chances tonight.
SAM
That can be a scary thought. I remember my first real performance; I was so green I was in make-up for an hour. But I got through it. I felt like I was going to die the whole time and I really didn't do that well but I did it. Then, I did even better the next night.
CLAIRE
But what if I do so bad there is no next night. What if they fire me.
SAM
Please, they don't have time to get someone else. You're all they've got for at least two days.
CLAIRE
And after that?
SAM
You'll just have to wait and see. I always thought it was more thrilling to think of it as just one night.
CLAIRE
But it wasn't just one for you.
SAM
No. It was four. The show was so popular a bigger name wanted the role. They cut me.
CLAIRE
Weren't you devastated?
SAM
At first, absolutely. Looking back though if I had the option of Bette Midler I'd get rid of the new girl too. But, despite the disappointment, I hit the streets the next day but this time I had a bunch of positive reviews in my resume.
CLAIRE
But I may not get those.
SAM
Well then you keep trying til you do. And you ignore the bad ones until then.
Cue music: For Good, Wicked.
SAM (CONT’D)
IT WELL MAY BE
THIS CHANCE WILL NEVER COME AGAIN
SO AT SHOWTIME,
THROW YOURSELF COMPLETELY IN YOUR PART
ENJOY IT NOW
THIS IS QUITE A SPECIAL NIGHT,
SO HAVE SOME FUN
AND SING WITH ALL YOUR HEART
AND THEN WHATEVER WAY REV'WS MAY BEND
YOU’LL KNOW THAT IT WAS WORTH IT ALL
REGARDLESS OF THE END
LIKE A RAM TRYING IT’S HARDEST
TO SMASH A CONCRETE DIKE
LIKE AN ANT LIFTING A RUBBER TREE
IN A DISTANT WOOD.
WHO CAN SAY
IF YOU COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER?
BUT IF YOU DON’T QUIT NOW
IT STILL IS SOMETHING GOOD
CLAIRE
WHEN CURTAINS RISE
WE KNOW THAT THEY WILL FALL
BUT UNTIL THEN
LIKE A STAR WE HAVE TO BURN
THE SHOW WILL END
AND I’LL DECIDE ON WHAT TO DO
I’LL CARRY ON
CONSID’RING ALL THAT I HAVE LEARNED
AND THEN WHATEVER WAY REV’WS MAY BEND
THIS PATH IS ONE I’VE CHOSEN AND
I WILL NOT LET IT END
LIKE A STAR SHINING ITS BRIGHTEST
WITH A LIGHT WE’LL NEVER SEE
LIKE A FISH JUMPING A WATERFALL
TRAVELING UP A BROOK
WHO CAN SAY IF I COULD HAVE DONE ANY BETTER
IF I DON’T QUIT NOW
SAM
IF YOU DON’T QUIT NOW
CLAIRE
IT STILL IS SOMETHING GOOD
ADDISON
YOU KNOW THIS ALL IS SWEET
BUT BE REALISTIC
YOU CAN’T BE AS GOOD AS HELENA
CLAIRE
YES BUT I’M JUST NOT HER
I’LL JUST BE ME
SAM
IT’S TIME THAT SHE NO LONGER CARES AT ALL
CLAIRE
IT’S TIME THAT I NO LONGER CARE AT ALL
SAM
LIKE A RAM TRYING IT’S HARDEST
TO SMASH A CONCRETE DIKE
LIKE AN ANT LIFTING A RUBBER TREE
IN A DISTANT WOOD.
WHO CAN SAY IF YOU COULD HAVE BEEN ANY BETTER?
CLAIRE
LIKE A STAR SHINING ITS BRIGHTEST
WITH A LIGHT WE’LL NEVER SEE
LIKE A FISH JUMPING A WATERFALL
TRAVELING UP A BROOK
WHO CAN SAY IF I COULD HAVE DONE ANY BETTER
ADDISON
I BELIEVE HELENA COULD PROBABLY DO BETTER
SAM
IF YOU DON'T QUIT NOW
CLAIRE
I SURE WON'T QUIT NOW
BOTH
AND THAT IS SOMETHING GOOD
CLAIRE
You're right. Worrying about tomorrow doesn't help with tonight. All I can do is give it my all.
SAM
That's right. Worrying does nothing, except make what you have to do harder to do. Now, about you.
ADDISON
Sorry, Sam. I don't think you can help me out very much. I'm love struck. Stick a pin in me I'm done.
SAM
Claire, I'll handle this. You go get your make up on.
CLAIRE
Okay. But don't let him up.
SAM
I promise.
Claire exits.
SAM (CONT’D)
Now. What is it about Claire that you like so much?
ADDISON
Not Claire. Helena.
SAM
Right. Helena.
ADDISON
Well for starters, she's beautiful.
SAM
Well that would make you stare at her but why do you like her?
ADDISON
I don't know. She can sing beautifully.
SAM
She can. I've heard rehearsals though. So can Claire.
ADDISON
Yeah, but there's the great connection that we have on stage. We're just so in sync.
SAM
That is special. Especially when it's off stage too.
(pause)
You have that right?
ADDISON
Well, at first but then, not really.
SAM
Oh.
ADDISON
I actually thought I was over her. Then she got hurt and she was so... Suddenly it was like she actually needed me. I could actually help her. She had no need for me before that and it was one of the problems with our relationship.
SAM
So, you fell for her because of your on stage connection?
ADDISON
Right.
SAM
Well, that's over now. She's not your co-star now.
ADDISON
That's true I guess.
SAM
As for the needing you thing, frankly you oughta be ashamed.
ADDISON
What? Why?
SAM
You had a friend who needed you all day.
ADDISON
What?
SAM
Claire. She was nervous and a little scared and needed some encouragement and you were too hung up on this to help her out.
(pause)
I think you owe her an apology.
ADDISON
I kind of do don't I?
SAM
Worry about that later. For now there's a show to do. I think you and Helena need some closure.
Helena enters, in a wheelchair, looking very sneaky.
ADDISON
Right now?
SAM
Right now.
Addison sighs and jerks himself toward Helena but doesn't move much.
ADDISON
Umm... could you maybe...
SAM
Oh of course.
Same grabs Addison's chair and slides him next to Helena.
ADDISON
I meant cut me loose.
SAM
Too risky.
Sam backs off, leaving Addison and Helena alone.
ADDISON
Umm... Hi, Helena.
HELENA
(clearly dazed)
Oh. Hello, umm... Bison?
ADDISON
Addison. Uh... where's... where's your posse?
HELENA
They're not my posse anymore I couldn't trust them anymore. They were in on it. I had to lock them in the dressing room
ADDISON
Okay... Look. Can we talk for a second?
HELENA
I only talk to people I can trust and I don't know if I can trust you Matheson.
ADDISON
No, no you can. I can be trusted. And it's Addison.
HELENA
I don't think I can. The whole world's out to get me, they're all jealous of me. They keep hurting me to try and bring me down to their level but my beauty continues to outshine them.
ADDISON
What are you talking about?
HELENA
Well, I might as well let it out. I don't care if they know that I know. I know what's going on, Havesomefun. First they took me out of the show to try and shine some spotlight on that Claire girl.
ADDISON
What makes you think that?
HELENA
Sherlock Holmes told me so.
(to no one)
Didn't you Holmesy?
ADDISON
Sherlock Holmes?
HELENA
Yes. He's very smart. He even told me how to get stains out of lace. The trick is battery acid. With his help I'm exacting my revenge on them.
ADDISON
The stains?
HELENA
Everyone involved. Toni, Parker, Lex Luthor, the Joker, Dr Octopus, all those guys.
ADDISON
Okay.
HELENA
I can't tell you what I'm doing next in case you're caught, but it inolves rice and a slowcooker. Muwahaha.
Lackey enters.
LACKEY
There you are. Come with me we're going to give you some lovely medicine and take a nap alright?
HELENA
I'm not sleepy.
LACKEY
Oh you will be.
Lackey pulls Helena off stage leaving Addison alone and confused.
ADDISON
Sam, you can cut me loose. I'm totally over Helena now.
Sam cuts Addison out.
SAM
You're sure?
ADDISON
Most definitely. I really need to get in costume now.
Both exit.
SCENE 21 INT. BACKSTAGE
Parker enters, pacing.
PARKER
Well, this is it. My career's over. Ten years of stage managing shot dead by one stupid special effect. Darn you Tokyo. I expect better of the nation that gave us Donkey Kong. I really do.
Assistant enters, breathless and excited.
ASSISTANT
Sir. Sir. I have great news.
PARKER
What is it?
ASSISTANT
A miracle, sir. The dinosaur's back.
PARKER
What? Is it completely demolished.
ASSISTANT
No, sir. It's in perfect condition. The only damage was to it's AI chip so it's now harmless and working perfectly.
PARKER
You're kidding!
ASSISTANT
No, sir.
PARKER
Halellujah! Let's get it hooked up.
ASSISTANT
Barrett's already on it, sir.
PARKER
Who brought it back? I need to thank them.
Assistant gestures and several cops enter.
BROWN
Evening, Sir. I'm Lieutenant Jeremy Brown. This is Officer Johnny Louis, Officer George O'Leary, Officer Oliver Nicholas and Crazy Pete.
PETE
Hi.
LOUIS
We brought back your dinosaur.
PARKER
Thank you so much, officers. You have no idea how much you helped us out. How'd you get it here?
Cue music: Book Report, You're a Good Man Charlie Brown.
BROWN
A COP REPORT ON T-REX HAVOC, T-REX HAVOC, T-REX HAA-
LOUIS
A COP REPORT ON T-REX HAVOC, T-REX HAAAA-
NICHOLAS
A COP REPORT ON T-REX HAAAA-
O'LEARY
A COP REPORT ON T-REX HAAAA
ALL COPS
-HAVOC!!!
BROWN
WE WERE DRIVING 'ROUND THE BLOCK WHEN WE
SAW A BRIGHT LIT SIGN THAT
ANNOUNCED THAT KRISPY KREME HAD FRESHLY BAKED DOUGHNUTS
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12
MMMMHH, A WHOLE DOZEN TO GO!
NICHOLAS
THE APPEAL OF THE NEON’S WARM GLOW
CAUSED A PULL SO THAT WE MUST GO
WE HAD NO CHOICE BUT DEVOUR THESE
DONUTS
WE ALL STOOD THERE TILL *FOOT STOMP*
WE HEARD A REAL LOUD *FOOT STOMP*
WE TURNED AND-
SAW A TERRIFYING DINOSAUR!
SO JOHNNY AND JEREMY AND GEORGE AND I SCREAMED
AND WE DOVE TO THE GROUND WHILE THE STREET CRACKED
AND WE TURNED AND WE REALIZED THAT JOHNNY’S A WORM
CAUSE WE HAD TO TURN ROUND AND GO BACK
FOR HE’D DROPPED ALL THE DOUGHNUTS AND WE KNEW THEY’D BE GOOD
SO I DASHED TO THE BAG AND IN FEAR THERE I STOOD
AND THEN I LOOKED UP AND HE GRABBED AT MY BAG
AND HE TOOK IT AWAY AND OH THEN I WAS MAD
AND I DREW OUT MY GUN AND MY BULLETS FLEW
AND MY PARTNERS ALL DID THE SAME THING TOO
BROWN
FOR HELP I CALLED MY GOOD FRIEND MACGYVER
5, 5, 5, 3, 7, 8, 1, 2
‘LO?
LOUIS
When considering ways to destroy something like a dinosaur we must remember that there are certain biological ramifications of destroying the last of a species long considered dead. Regardless of the level of havoc potentially wreaked by this wayward orphan is it really worth destroying such a truly important specimen. Before deciding how to act we have to weigh the environmental pros and cons of eliminating the dinosaur vs merely capturing it. Would allowing it to live create problems for the local eco-system because of the introduction of a dominant predator and has it existed in hiding long enough for the eco-system to develop a balance to its existence, a balance that could be thrown off via its elimination. You also have to explore the possibility that we are being replaced by mother nature. These are the factors that I had to weigh before deciding to fire...
O'LEARY
WELL IT DASHED TO THE CROWD
AND IT CARRIED OUR PASTRIES
WHICH WOULD COOL THEM OFF
AND THAT IS NO GOOD AT ALL
SO I HOPPED IN MY SQUAD CAR
AND I CHASED IT LIKE CRAZY
AND THE OTHERS WERE LAZY
AND THEY PAUSED IN THEIR ACTIONS
BUT MY TIRES NEED TRACTION
AND THEY JUST STARTED SCREECHING
AND MY POOR ENGINE’S WHINING
WHILE I WAS CHASING IT QUICKLY
AND IT KEPT RUNNING QUICKLY
WHILE I SLID TO A LAMP POST
AND THAT SMASHED UP MY CAR
SO I WAS WITHOUT MY SQUAD CAR
AND THE LIZARD WAS ROARING
AND I HEARD A WOMAN SCREAMING
WHICH WAS NOT GOOD AT ALL
BROWN
AND HE TOLD ME HOW TO MAKE A PIPE BOMB
24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29 OUNCES
YES!
NICHOLAS
DOWN CAME THE NEW LOCKSMITH’S SHOP SMASH
AND VANBERG’S JEWISH DELI CRASH
THE DINO HE ROARED WITH HIS TAIL LIKE A CLUB AGH!
AND THEN HE SWUNG
BROWN
35, 36, 37, 38, 39, BUILDINGS
NICHOLAS
THAT’S WHEN WE HEARD A GREAT BOOM BAM!
IT WAS THE SOUND OF THE DINOSAUR’S DOOM WAM!
THE MILIT’RY SWEPT IN LIKE A BROOM SLAM
IT WASN’T LONG
FORWARD THEY CHARGED
IT WAS A WAR
THEY GAVE THEIR ALL
JUST NOT ENOUGH
‘CAUSE A DINO
IS REALLY BIG
AND THEIR SMALL BOMBS
WERE TOO SMALL
PETE
DOUGHNUTS DOUGHNUTS DOUGHNUTS KREME FILLED DOUGHNUTS
O'LEARY
HOW CAN THEY
EXPECT US TO GUARD THE POPULACE
WITH ANY CERTAINTY
WITH GUNS LIKE THESE?
WHY DO THEY TRY
TO OUR JOBS MORE DIFFICULT
ONLY TO LOOK AT US
AND SAY THEY’RE NOT PLEASED
BROWN
THERE WAS ARCHITECTURE
JUST COLLAPSING
THERE WERE AWNINGS AND FLAGPOLES
AND SUPPORTS AND WINDOWS
AND FRUITSTANDS APARTMENTS
AND FRONT DOORS AND BACK DOORS
AND STOP SIGNS AND STREET LIGHTS
TALL BUILDINGS SMALL BUILDINGS MID BUILDINGS
AND LIONS AND TIGERS AND BEARS
LOUIS
Not to mention the psychological ramifications of any nearby small children who will witness the willful violence acted out by me!
PETE
Dinos dinos dinos killing dinos
O'LEARY
SO WE CHARGED
IT RESISTED
AND WE FOUGHT
REALLY FLUSTERED
AND WE
UPSET ITS
TANTRUM
WHICH WAS
NO HELP
AT ALL
NO HELP
AT ALL
OH.
NICHOLAS
THE DINO
CAME AND
ATTACKED US
STOLE OUR
DOUGHNUTS AND
HE RAN OFF
STOLE OUR DOUGHNUTS
STOLE OUR DOUGHNUTS
WE CORNERED
THAT GREAT BEAST
WITH OUR CARS
OH.
BROWN
WE ALL WORKED HARD
AND IN THE END
WE CAUGHT THE BEAST
CAME OUT OF IT
WITH VERY LITTLE
DAMAGE TO OUR
DOUGHNUTS
DOUGHNUTS
DOUGHNUTS
75,76
77,78,79,80
BUILDINGS TOTALLED
PETE
DINO CHASING
DINO CHASING
DINO CHASING
DINOS
SHOOTING
SHOOTING
DINOS
BROWN
AND THEN A SNIPER ON A ROOFTOP SHOT HIM IN THE HEAD
NICHOLAS AND LOUIS
THE END
BROWN
NO THAT’S NOT IT
TOW TRUCK BROUGHT IT HERE.
LOUIS
THE END
O'LEARY
POLICE REPORT ON T-REX HAVOC
LOUIS
POLICE REPORT ON T-REX HAVOC
NICHOLAS
POLICE REPORT ON T-REX HAVOC
BROWN
POLICE REPORT ON T-REX HAVOC
ALL COPS
DINOS
DINOS
DINOS DINOS DINOS DINOS
BROWN
And that’s exactly what went down!
ALL COPS
T-REX HAVOC
SCENE 22 INT. BACKSTAGE
PARKER
Wow. That's amazing. Thank you again. And again. And again and again and again.
BROWN
Well there's one problem. See, while we may have brought it back, your dinosaur caused probably over fifty thousand dollars worth of damage.
PETE
And it may have given someone pink eye.
BROWN
So we need to know, what in heaven's name it was doing out there in the first place.
PARKER
Well, uhh, it was, see
ASSISTANT
It was a marketing scheme. We were going to promote the show and it went badly.
BROWN
A marketing scheme huh?
Christoph bursts out of the office.
CHRISTOPH
Alright, everyone let's snap to it. We have a show to do.
PARKER
Yeah. So, why are you here?
CHRISTOPH
Well, I'm in charge. So let's get going.
BROWN
Excuse me. You're in charge of this play?
CHRISTOPH
I am indeed. Director, producer, all of it.
BROWN
So you're the guy responsible for the marketing scheme?
CHRISTOPH
It was the very first thing I did.
Parker and Assistant look at eachother mischieviously.
PARKER
It's true. That area was all him.
ASSISTANT
Thanks to him, we have a sold out show tonight.
CHRISTOPH
You're darn right you do.
BROWN
Alright, sir. You're gonna have to come with us.
CHRISTOPH
What? Why?
BROWN
You're under arrest.
CHRISTOPH
On what charges?
BROWN
Destruction of property both private and public, disturbing the peace, public endangerment, inciting panic, possibly terrorism and frankly creating the most bizarre incident I've seen in thirteen years on the force. Louis.
Louis cuffs Christoph and starts to lead him off.
LOUIS
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?
CHRISTOPH
You can't do this to me. Do you have any idea who I am? I'm Christoph Brecht! I almost won a Tony three times!
BROWN
Nobody cares.
Exeunt cops and Christoph.
SCENE 23 INT. BACKSTAGE
Toni exits her office and appears to be livid.
TONI
I don't care anymore. Dad! Where's my dad?
PARKER
He, umm... left.
TONI
Good. Forget about him and whatever he may have told you. This is still my show and he can't have it. Everyone get over here.
All gather around Toni but Steve. All the actors costumes seem to have nothing in common and are very strange.
TONI (CONT’D)
I know things have gotten hard. We've had some set backs but we're not going to let them stop us. Claire, you're more than capable of doing this role. After your audition I wanted you to do it but my father wanted a bigger name. Addison, get over it you're acting like a whiney girl. You're better off without her. Drop it like it's hot! Parker, about our situation.
PARKER
Already taken care of.
TONI
(temporarily loses steam)
Really?
Steven enters dressed like Hitler.
PARKER
Indeed.
TONI
Okay, that's why I love you, man.
STEVEN
Mein freunde! Heute ist ein ruhmreich tag fur der volk von Deutschland! Heute wir wird...
Toni pops Steven in the head. He shakes around for a second.
STEVEN (CONT’D)
I had the weirdest dream. And you were there, and you were there, and you were there, and...
(indicates Assistant)
no you weren't.
TONI
Steven! Get into your costume now!
STEVEN
Yes, ma'am.
Exit Steven.
TONI
Ushers! I'm giving you those comp tickets if I have to buy them myself. And Frank! Give me that monologue.
Everyone is fired up by now and Frank steps forward and delivers very theatrically.
FRANK
What difference does it make what they call it now? A name is merely a name and does nothing to change what something is. Whether the sun rises upon Dragon's Hill or Peace Slope that does nothing to change what happened here. For on this ground boys became men, men became warriors, and warriors became martyrs as they were lost to the havoc of the dogs of war. Let the purifying rain try it's hardest but it shall never wipe away the stain of the blood that has soaked into this once fair soil and the minds of those that today still live. Though daisies and wildflowers spring up from the ground they shall hide their faces in shame knowing that they come bearing the stench of death, for where they try and bring joy a young man, a young warrior, once lay dead thinking of the home he would never again see, and the wife he would be unable to comfort at his passing. So go on, you senseless amnesiacs. Change the name in an attempt to forget the horrors of the past, but me and those like me shall do all that we can to insure that those horrors are never lost so they can be kept at bay and not attack us secretly when we let our guard down in peace.
TONI
Excellent. Don't rush the became became sentence though.
FRANK
Yes, ma'am.
TONI
Sam. That ointment you needed is in my office.
Awkward pause.
TONI (CONT’D)
Alright everyone! Let's do this show.
Cue music: Oh the Thinks You Can Think, Seussical
TONI (CONT’D)
OH THIS SHOW HAD SOME STRESS
AND BECAME QUITE A MESS
OH OF THAT I CAN’T LIE
IT WAS SOMEWHAT LIKE CHESS
PROBLEMS IN AN EXCESS
OH I THOUGHT I WOULD DIE
NERVES STARTING TIRE
COMING DOWN TO THE WIRE
TIME WAS BECOMING LESS
ONLY ONE WORD DESCRIBES
THAT WORD BEING
ALL
STRESS!
STRESS!
STRESS!
STRESS!
STRESS!
STRESS!
STRESS!
STRESS!
STRESS!
OH THE PRESSURE STRESS
IT IS NO CALL FOR JEST
WHEN YOU’RE MAKING A SHOW
TONI
OH THE PRESSURE OF STRESS
CAST
WHAT IF I TAKE A SLIP
OR MY COSTUME DOES RIP
WELL WHAT THEN WILL WE DO
FRANK
MY MIND’S READY TO POP
STEVEN
BUT WE REALLY CAN’T STOP
ALL
WE DON’T GET A RECESS
PARKER
ONLY ONE WORD DESCRIBES
ALL
AND THAT WORD BEING
STRESS, STRESS, STRESS
STRESS
ADDISON
IMAGINE THE DRAMA THAT HAPPENED TO ME
STEVEN
FOR THE WHOLE DAY I FORGOT WHO TO BE
ASSISTANT
WE HAD A DINO THAT WOULDN’T BEHAVE
TECH CREW
IT WENT ON A RAMPAGE DOWN THE WHOLE OF BROADWAY
CLARENCE
WE WANTED WAYS TO ENTICE GIRLS FOR DATES
CLAIRE
I WAS TOO SCARED TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE
TONI
WE HAD AN OWNER TAKE OVER THE SHOW
PARKER
I THINK WE’RE FORGETTING SOMETHING REALLY
TONI AND PARKER
IMPORTANT I HAVE THE SAME FEELING
IT WENT UNADDRESSED WHAT WAS IT OH NO
TONI AND TECH CREW
WE HAVE MUSIC TONIGHT
AND THERE STILL IS A BLIGHT
THEY’RE WITHOUT A HEAD GUY
CAST
OH NO OH NO
WITHOUT HIM THERE’S NO SHOW
WE SHOULD JUST ALL GO HOME
ASSISTANT
WAIT THAT’S HIM THAT I SPY
ALL
YAY
GIRALTO
HI JUMPED BY THE LEAD ROLE
WOKE UP NEXT TO LYSOL
ALL
MAN THAT CHICK IS A PEST
PARKER
GET ON DOWN TO THE PIT
ALL
WE’RE STILL FEELING OUR STRESS
STRESS
STRESS
STRESS
TONI
REHEARSAL IS OVER TIME FOR THE REAL THING
YOUR BEST OF YOUR BEST I EXPECT YOU TO BRING
WE’VE WORKED WAY TOO HARD TO SIMPY BLOW IT RIGHT NOW.
ALL
YES, MA’AM
TONI
GET ON IT TECH CREW
TECH CREW
WE WILL STAY ON THE BALL
TONI
AND OF COURSE MY CAST TOO
CAST
WE WILL GIVE IT OUR ALL
ALL
WE’VE WORKED AND WORKED
AND WORKED AND WORKED
AND WORKED AND WORKED
AND WORKED AND WORKED
AND WORKED AND WORKED
AND WORKED AND WORKED
AND WORKED AND WORKED
OH THE PRESSURE OF STRESS
IT IS RAMPANT IN PLAYS
AND IT FILLS US WITH FEAR
TONI
OH THE PRESSURE OF STRESS
ALL
BUT WE ARE ENERGIZED
HELPS US TO IMPROVISE
SO WE DON’T SHED A TEAR
IF WE CHANNEL OUR DRIVE
TO WHEN AUD’ENCE IS LIVE
IT WILL BE A SUCCESS
ONLY ONE WORD DESCRIBES
ONLY ONE WORD DESCRIBES
ONLY ONE WORD DESCRIBES
AND THAT WORD BEING STRESS
AND THAT WORD BEING STRESS
AND THAT WORD BEING STRESS
STRESS, STRESS
STRESS, STRESS
STRESS, STRESS
STRESS
All charge off stage. T.J. and James walk onto the stage.
JAMES
You know. I think this whole thing would make a good play.
T.J.
What?
JAMES
The whole thing with Toni's dad, and the dinosaur, and Claire, and Helena, and Addison; all of it.
T.J.
No. That's stupid.
JAMES
Are you kidding? It's a great idea.
T.J.
The story thing sure. But not a play. It should be a movie.
JAMES
Why?
T.J.
It's too big for a play.
JAMES
No we could make it a play.
T.J.
How would we do the dinosaur thing on stage?
JAMES
A dream sequence with cardboard and clever lighting.
T.J.
You're crazy.
JAMES
No it could work.
Argument continues as they both exit.
BLACK OUT